


This, I Believe

by L_The_other_consulting_detective



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Death, Fiki, Incest, M/M, Sibling Incest, Violence, not okay in dwarven culture, please I'm so burnt out, psychological pain, watching someone die
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-23
Updated: 2016-10-23
Packaged: 2018-08-24 04:23:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8357011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/L_The_other_consulting_detective/pseuds/L_The_other_consulting_detective
Summary: Kili always had a habit of sprawling, both awake and asleep. They never banked on it being an issue, not until Thorin catches sight of the bead nestled in the only braid Kili's ever worn.Not until Fili is kneeling, guilt spreading through his body like poison and there isn't time for goodbye.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I know I've neglected my other fics...It's been a hell of a year and I've been struggling with a lot of things but this has been demanding it's place in the sun for a while. Forgive me it's 4:30 am and I wanted pain. Enjoy.

Fili kisses the bead in his palm and releases the braid it's attached to with a soft smile. His brother gently touches it and offers him a smile in return. They cannot truly be together, not in front of their people, but this secret of theirs makes them feel like they've some claim over one another just the same. After all what could the hidden marriage braids hurt? No one looked closely at Kili's hair anymore, acceptance of it's unruly state so normal, and Fili was always so carefully groomed one more braid could disappear. 

That the beads are damning doesn't stop their fingers from grazing them lightly when they are apart in their duties or rolling them between fingers while waiting for the other to return in the evenings. The symbols that press themselves into dwarven flesh are those of two brothers whose hearts chose even where they were forbidden. 

 

Kili allows the bead to slip back into the rest of his hair, sighing when he glances at the timepiece in the corner. It is terribly late and he doubts very much that Fili will be back any time soon. Another night alone it is, he thinks and readies for bed. 

Fili rubs the tiredness from his eyes as he tries to finish the papers he is supposed to have gone over, the knowledge of Kili's arms waiting is the only thing keeping him awake but eventually the tired prince can no longer force his eyes open. The parchment is surprisingly comfortable beneath his cheek.

 

Thorin is amused in the morning when his sister-sons do not show themselves for breakfast, assuming they went out on one of their late night hunts or were sleeping off the well-earned hangovers they sometimes had. By the time the first council is gathering his amusement has died and he resigns himself to retrieval duty. Kili's room is the first in the hall and he doesn't knock, never knocks, he is king. Kili is sprawled naked and tangled in his furs and Thorin frowns at the bruising he sees on his nephews inner thighs, he has no memory of seeing the swords hit those spots in practice. His suspicion is furthered by the glint of something in the mix of dark hair. He doesn't think much about it as he lifts the braid from the rest, noting that it has held rather well overnight. He examines the bead closely and without much question, settling it back in the dark hair. He and his brother wore beads from one another and he is glad to see the tradition carried. he yanks the pillow out from under Kili and smacks him with it good-naturedly.

"Get up, and find your brother, you're late."

It is only later, as he curls around his hobbit in their bed and presses a kiss to the martial braid in Bilbo's curls that he realizes what pattern had been adorning his youngest nephew and his stomach clenches in horror. He squeezes his eyes closed and decides that it is just his tired thoughts playing tricks, that Kili's braid was to signify the bond of brotherhood with his Nadad. 

Again the younger dwarves are late for breakfast, and it is with a stone in his stomach and Thorin searches them out. He goes to Fili first this time, the blonde is deeply asleep still and Thorin pauses, his hand hovering where he was going to grasp Fili's shoulder to shake him. He carefully fingers the neat braids in the elder brothers hair, relief growing when he finds nothing, but then a slight shift shows him a partially trapped and all too familiar braid. The bead he frees bearing Kili's crest wrapped around Fili's and he drops it as though burned. There are no exceptions to this, their most sacred laws all have made that clear and he feels first horror and revulsion and then a deep sadness as he tries to put as much distance as possible between himself and his discovery. 

When the brother's finally make their way into Thorin's office, to make their apologies for the lateness of the days start no doubt, they are smiling and talking amiably, obliviously. Fili's smile is a little too bright and Kili's gaze too warm and how did Thorin not  _see?_ How did  _Dis?_

He looks at his sister, unmoving as the stone around them she watches her sons approach through the open door.

"We do not have to do this."

Thorin sighs, he had gone around with her from the second he got the words out, choked on them. She was aghast at the facts and then she realized what the consequences were and well...they had not fought so hard in a long time. The set of her mouth told him that she had said this as a last effort to make him change his mind, that she knew as he did, it was the only way.

"We do." He touched her shoulder lightly and met the concerned gazes of his nephews, noting their proximity and movements around each other and feeling the burn of shame in his throat. 

 

Fili did not understand why his mother and his uncle were looking at them with such faces, almost sad, almost angry, but mostly disgusted. He knew he had been slacking the last two mornings but really, nothing of tragic importance had happened and if he and Kili had gotten too caught up in one another...well that was their secret. Kili glanced at him nervously and he gave a tiny motion of his eyes to indicate he didn't know either.

"Uncle? Has something happened?"

Thorin's eyes had never been so hard or his voice so cold when he answered.

"Yes, yes Fili, Kili, some _thing_ has happened. I've lost both my heirs."

Kili's face worked to form an expression that could encompass his fear and confusion, but ended up settling for almost pouting instead, "Lost? I'm sorry we've overslept again, I swear it was not meant...but to strip us of our titles unc-"

"Don't. You are no family of mine, not now."

Fili was reeling and Kili's mouth hung open, his eyes wide as he turned to his mother. His mother who was looking at them like they had grown extra arms and become a particularly unfortunate experiment. Thorin seemed unable to articulate past whatever was twisting his lips into the ugly look he had now and so Dis took over.

"You have two choices," She ignored her brother's sharp look, "Kili, you can choose to leave, to live in the Blue Mountains or anywhere that is far from here and let your brother keep his title and his honor...or you can both be stripped of your titles and Fili will be put to death in the Hall of Kings."

Paler than ghosts the two princes looked at one another, what had they done?

"You don't know do you?" Thorin's voice was shards of ice in their innards but Fili managed to shake his head as their uncle circled them, the shock of the declarations overwhelming. Surely...surely this was some horrid joke, some prank to get back at him and Kili for their lack of duty of late. Thorin's fingers wrenching his hair were unexpected and Kili cried out as he to was grabbed. The king yanked them close together and used his knife to cute the braids from their hair, throwing them on the floor and watching as both young dwarves registered that they had been caught. He expected panic, anger, oaths, something explosive and terrible. Instead Fili had sunk to his knees, the braid from Kili's hair in his fingers and he sat, frozen and staring at it. Kili touched his brother, his lover, softly trying to attain his focus but Fili didn't acknowledge him, too lost in his guilt and grief.

He knew the punishment for incest, knew what they would face and he had allowed it anyways, had braided his brothers soft locks and kissed him breathless just that morning. He deserved to die for putting Kili in such danger with his stupid need.

Thorin braced for Kili's anger but the brunette only knelt, "I beg you, Thorin, Son of Thrain, Son of Thror, King Beneath the Mountain, spare my brother. He only went along with the whims of my own twisted desires and had no real part in any of it. Bring your wrath on me."

"No" Fili finally broke free and raised his sapphire gaze to meet Thorin's "No. I will not allow Kili to run, I will not allow him to take my punishment."

Thorin looked between them, his heart hardening as he knew it must if he was to withstand his duty. 

"It is decided then. DWALIN!"

The giant of a dwarf looked into the room as the Lady Dis crumpled in her chair, she had so hoped they would take the way out.

"Dwalin, we are calling an execution. For their crimes Fili and Kili are stripped of their titles and rights. Please take them to ready them. Fili's last words need taken down."

The inked dwarf opened his mouth to protest the madness when he caught sight of the hair in Fili's hand and understanding filled him. He shut his mouth and nodded sharply, pulling Fili out of the room and sending another guard to lead Kili to the holding room behind the Hall of Kings. A third went out to spread the news, the princes were to be punished before their people. 

The door shut and Thorin stumbled, catching himself on his broad desk as his sister lost her battle and began to cry. 

 

Ori jumped when the door to the scribe room was flung open and Fili shoved in.

"Fee, I've just been told the most horrid lie...that you and Kili had lain together, had promised yourselves to one another! That you were to be executed..."

Fili's eyes were empty as he looked at his friend and Ori covered his mouth around a muffled, "No!"

"You are to take his last words." Dwalin informed the small red-head, giving him a pointed look, "He hasn't got long to talk."

Ori nodded and grabbed a paper, wanting to ask questions and deny the accusations again, to tell Dwalin how ridiculous this was...but Fili looked so resigned and their was far to much seriousness in all of this for it to be a misunderstanding. he readied his quill and gave Fili a quick nod, feeling a bit light headed as he did.

"I want it on record, that I, Fili, Son of Vili and Dis, Crown Prince of Erebor, did lay with my brother, Kili son of Vili and Dis, Prince of Erebor. That I braided  _Ghivashel_ into his hair and secured it with a bead I forged with the fire of my heart and that we were wed in all the ways of our people. That I go to my death with only the weight of his suffering as my regret. That I deny the law that would take me from him as  _caragu_ that he is my One and I am his and it is against our maker to forbid us. That I forgive my mother, and my uncle for the duty they feel bound to carry out and knowing that they will be left with the aftermath. That they will have to face Kili when it is over. I go to Mandos free of sin. This I believe."

Ori wrote it out quickly and when Fili went quiet read it back just in case, receiving a tired nod. He immediately began to copy it down carefully onto several more sheets, not wanting anything to happen to the prince's impassioned words. Now that he could, he didn't know what to ask and Fili offered nothing. Dwalin had come back before anything more was said.

"You were a good friend, Ori."

The red-head felt the first tears starting and hurriedly followed them to the hall where he was lost int he flow of dwarves headed to the Hall of Kings to watch, a copy of Fili's words clutched to his chest.

 

The gathered citizens of Erebor watched with many whispers as the King swept onto the raised dais, the two princes pulled in by guards on either side and forced to kneel. Thorin turned and addressed the crowd in his authoritative voice, his mask firmly in place as he spoke at length on the importance of One's, of custom, and of madness. He denounced his heirs and sentenced them and they didn't hear a word.

Fili was memorizing Kili's face, the gentle curve of his eyelashes against his cheek and the contrast of them to the lines of his mostly bare jaw. His dark curls, pulled straight by the weight of their length, and his chapped lips, his dark eyes, even as they shimmered with tears he refused to let fall.

Kili looked back, committing the blonde waves and carefully cared for beard, the blue eyes and dimples, visible without the smile, to memory. He would always know his brother's face, would know the exact shade of red he flushed and the way his nose sloped just slightly wrong, making him cute.

They strained against their bonds and pressed their foreheads together, wordless as the crowed made noise around them and Thorin turned to give the first order.

"Shave them"

Anger made fresh tears well, they had to humiliate Fili first too? Wasn't it enough they were going to take his life?

 The blade dragged over Kili's scalp, catching and pulling painfully and he briefly wondered if they weren't going to just kill him anyways and be done with it, he hoped they did. He refused to make a sound as his hair fell around him and unwelcome air touched his scalp. Fili was receiving the same treatment and Kili mourned every strand, watching the two front braids, his careful plaits, modeled after Thorin's own, as they were cut away to fall heavily. When the hands finished on his scalp Kili chin was forced up and the light stubble on his archers chin was cut away as well. When he could look again Fili was hairless and it was...wrong. Some place deep down, that had cared at least a little about what made a dwarf screamed for his brother who looked small and strange, not like his leonine self. 

Thorin must've given another signal because the guards were slicing away their clothing and Kili squeezed his eyes shut against the sound of shredding fabric and the feel of wrong hands on him. He forced himself to look again though and watched them force Fili back to his knees, naked. A coiled whip was released and Kili thought he might be sick, there in their shame, he thought he would vomit and shame them more.

 

Fili shivered in the air, anger making his head spin. He knew it was a punishment but it still seemed far too much, after all they were already taking his life and destroying Kili's. He gritted his teeth at the first sting of the lash and locked eyes with his little brother as another whip was brought down on the younger's skin. He felt the hot pulse of guilt again but he dared not ask his uncle stop hurting Kili, at least...at least Kili would leave, he would wake to see the sunrise. The whip came again. and again. and yet again.

When they finally finished he had stopped caring about what sounds he was making and started focusing on just staying conscious. Kili's back was a mess of bloody lines and Fili could feel he fared no better.He had heard, dimly, Kili cry his name and he wanted nothing more than to make the nightmare end. 

Finally it was time, Kili was red with his own blood and still kneeling in the pile of his own hair when they forced Fili to his feet and handed his a small knife. Kili's eyes were huge and he frantically shook his head, suicide was the way a coward went, at his own hand instead of in battle and it was still believed by some that if a dwarf took his own life the halls would be closed to them, leaving them to wander the in between forever.

Fili took a breath, pressing the point to his throat, were a large artery lay. One slice and it would only be moments, but the guard forced his arm lower, to his abdomen and he closed his eyes. They wanted it to be drawn out then, slow and painful. He heard and felt Kili's sob, the first true one since they had entered the room. He opened his eyes and looked at his brother, who was staring at the blade Fili held tightly against his stomach.

"At me Kili, look at m-e-ahg." Fili drew his gaze and moved at the same second, the knife was sharp, thank Mahal, and it did its job well. The burning pain enough to make Fili want to scream but he forced out words instead, words as he looked into wide brown eyes.

"Don't look Kee, don't...it'll be okay if you just don't l-ook"

and Kili didn't. He watched the slow fading of light as Fili was lain on the hard stone, his chest heaving and his blue eyes growing dim. Finally there was nothing but silence in the hall and Fili's last breath, a harsh thing, was cut short as it tried to free itself from his corpse.

Kili screamed then, screamed and screamed, his voice dying from the pressure as he felt vessels burst in his eyes and blood slick his throat. A single endless "FILI" that silenced itself in his mouth. He fought his way to his brother's body and held him close until darkness came upon him.

 

 

 

18 months later

Thorin met glazed eyes and felt the usual but no less powerful guilt welling in himself. It was too late that Ori had found the old manuscripts, ones from the days of Durin the deathless that had proclaimed Ones, even among family, sacred. It had spoken of the consequence of losing a true soulmate too...but even the text couldn't encompass the shell before the King. 

After the book had been found Thorin had sought his surviving nephew among the elves, intending to reinstate him as a prince, and his heir. One look though when Kili had been found and he'd known it was beyond hope. Kili was alive only because other's willed it. A carefully crafted tube was slotted into his throat when he needed to eat, he refused all sustenance otherwise and often still would force it back up if he could. He was skin and bones, the hair that had come back was brittle and covered little of his scalp. He rarely registered who was in front of him and spent a great deal of time speaking to the air and wiping the blood from his nose. Thorin couldn't say where he got the drugs, just that whoever gave them to him never gave him to much and for that at least the king tried to be grateful. He rubbed a thumb over the cold boney fingers of what was once a tanned, strong archer's hand and felt the wrongness of his choices closing in on him again. 

As he stood to leave, looking back at the empty thing sitting by the window, he thought that yes, Fili was right. They had to deal with what was left after.

If he left the locks open on the high window that day, well, no one would fault him. Especially not Kili.


End file.
